Unfortunately, even though I really like Halloween, I often miss the masquerade part of it.  I'll procrastinate right up to the 31st, and then spend half an hour putting together a really stupid costume just so I won't be the only "normy" at a party. Often, it would have been better to go costumeless, but every now and then I'll hit on something good.

My favorite kind of Halloween costume is the kind you can really scare someone with, or at least surprise people -- make them jump a bit.  I am not impressed with clowns, angels, princesses, and other "non-threatening" costumes (though I have to admit, some clowns can be terrifying) that have nothing to do with the spooky side of hallow's eve. It's fun sometimes to take a non-scary costume, say a clown, and add fangs and blood to it to infuse some halloweenishness.

My scariest costume came about from the thought I had one day as Halloween approached -- that the scariest, spookiest kind of person in day to day life is the kind that wears a suit. "Suits" we call 'em.  Yick. What if I dressed up as a Suit and went to a party?  That surely would scare a lot of people.  Then I came to my senses.  People aren't scared by Suits, because they're everywhere.  Our society is saturated with the horrible things.  I needed something scary, that could wear a suit.  That would be double scary.  But what should I put in the suit? A vampire?  A devil?  No. What I needed was someone who looked exactly like a Suit, but still scared people.  Then it hit me.  I was going to be a broker for Halloween.  A Soul Broker.

The costume was quite a hit. I stuffed a bunch of trinkets and candy into an ancient leather briefcase, along with a stack of contracts.  I wore an old mason's suit with a thin tie.  I would offer people services, candy, presents, you name it, in exchange for "something you probably don't even notice you have" and then I'd hand them the contract and a pen.  Some people would sign the contract without even reading it (suckers).  Some would read some of it, get the idea, and sign it anyway.  A few would look at it and cringe, and then spend the rest of the night trying to convince other people I was serious, and that signing that thing meant Hellfire, etc.  The best people were the ones who signed the contract without reading, and then got really honest-to-gosh scared after reading it.

The best sale I made one night (I was a broker for two non-consecutive Halloweens) was when I overheard some people whom I didn't know talking about how great Jaegermeister (a smooth, strong liqueur) was.  They seemed to be without the drink they were praising.  Hardly believing my good fortune, I nonetheless was able to remain calm and stay in character.  I put my briefcase down in front of them, opened it up, and produced a bottle of Jaegermeister, three contracts, and a pen. They were, to say the least, entertained.

You too can be a "Broker" for Halloween.  Just print out my handy contract, or make up your own.  Make lots of copies.  Wear a nice suit -- people will know you mean business.  Smile pleasantly, this is extremely unnerving to some folks.  Never say direct statements such as "I'm selling souls for Satan."  This isn't half as fun as actually attempting to get people to sign the contracts in clever ways.  Never reveal your client's name (instead say, "I'm sorry ma'am, that's confidential," or, "my client prefers to stay anonymous.")  If someone points at the contract and accuses you of trying to purchase souls, don't deny it; try to convince them that they are getting something for "almost nothing, you'll never notice it's gone."  Smile nicely.

Wear the suit and tie.
Put everything else
in the briefcase.
This is a quick and 
easy costume, and 
you'll have a good
time!

I just wanted to drop you a note thanking you for your halloween costume suggestion. I wear a suit about once a year and avoid formal affairs unless they are absolutely mandatory. So when I showed up at my cousin's friend's party in a black suit and red tie with my hair greased back, people were a little surprised. It wasn't exactly a halloween party even though it was Saturday Oct. 30. I was planning on heading over to a bonafide halloween party later but that never happened. This party was actually a joint 30th Bday party being held at the bar My Brother's Place and only two other people showed up in costume. So everyone just thought I was overdressed.  Although I only acquired a measley six souls, I quickly learned that it's the souls you can't acquire that provide the maximum amusement. Both of the Bday girls were Catholic U alumni, making the potential clientelle even more difficult to bargain with. My first potential customer/victim was a chocolate lover and a devout catholic and after carefully reading the contract she decided she didn't want a Reeses that bad. Later when the bar filled up with the regular college crowd there was no place left to sit down and I overheard her comment "Somebody took my chair!" I quickly cut in and offered to fetch her a chair if she would only sign the agreement. "You just stay away from me!" was her terse reply. That's when I pulled out the heavy artillery. Cigarettes = souls. I offered the guy working the door three cigarettes if he would only sign my "petition".  After reading halfway down the contract he handed it back with a grin and responded "Get out of here you sick fuck!" Once I had gotten one of the college students to make a deal with me word spread fast. Pretty soon  everywhere I went in the bar some drunk stranger would point at me and say "Watch out! He'll try to buy your soul." After that I had people coming up to me and saying "Hey man I want to sell you my soul!" It was no longer fun at this point but I was pretty hammered and decided 6 souls was enough. Thanks again for the idea.  -Erik