Problem Child

By Amy Chused and Charles Dickson

Page 1

  Captain's log, stardate 201491. We are approaching the origin of 
  the distress signal from UFP trader "Nash", received several 
  minutes ago  of an unprovoked attack by an HVR warship 
  on that vessel. Knowing the level of armament on the "Lettuce" 
  class ships, I am afraid we won't find much left of the Nash when 
  we get there. We have proceeded at maximum Jolt warp and the crew 
  is on alert for whatever HVR problem we may encounter.
  maya: Sensors indicate both Nash and HVR ship dead ahead, stopped 
  in space.
  Captain Kabeta: Thank you. Take us out of warp, Lt. G' O' For'. 
  Shields up! 
  Screen: The main viewer shows the Nash in the bottom corner with 
  the HVR ship in the upper corner.  A tractor beam is emanating 
  from the Nash and seems to be holding the HVR ship together. 
  Pieces of the HVR ship are visible floating in space all around 
  the vessel.
  Captain Kabeta: Lt. G' O' Forever, open hailing frequencies to 
  the Nash.
  Lt. JG G' O' Forever: Yes, Captain. Hailing Frequencies open. 
  Kabeta: Nash, can you hear me? This is the USS Heisenberg, 
  responding to your distress call.
  From comlink: Commander Vygis Campe here. Boy am I glad to see 
  you, Captain. We were on our regular route to starbase LMC 2 when 
  this Rancher ship approached us at high warp and suddenly fired 
  on us. We responded immediately, although we only had phasers and 
  old-style photon torpedoes. The first shot we fired somehow 
  completely destroyed the ship; it dropped out of warp and we only 
  just managed to grab it with a tractor beam before it fell apart. 
  They must have had a weak part in their shields, because the 
  phaser damage was almost full power. We didn't mean to destroy 
  it. We're sorry.  
  Captain Kabeta: It's ok Commander. Just calm down. I mean, the 
  HVR did declare war on us after all. (aside to Chief Engineering 
  Officer and Science Officer) Tom, get a tractor beam on that 
  ship. I don't want to rely on the Nash's beam. And maya, get a 
  scan of that ship. (To the viewscreen) Commander Campe, in just a 
  minute we'll have the HVR ship in our tractor beams and we'll 
  take over from there. Are you undamaged?
  from comlink: Yes Captain, they only got in one shot and our 
  shields worked fine. We're shaken but undamaged. Thanks. (Pause) 
  Captain... (sounds even more worried) We didn't get a chance to 
  scan the HVR ship for the number of people on board before the 
  Kabeta: Yes Commander? What is it?
  maya: Captain, hull integrity of the HVR ship has been maintained 
  by the tractor beam, and there is air on board. I'm reading only 
  one surviving lifeform however. It seems to be a child.
  Kabeta: Hoo Boy! (to comlink) OK, Commander Campe, we'll mop up 
  from here. Thank you for reacting so quickly and calling us. 
  Please stand by and transfer your ships logs starting from the 
  time of your first contact with the HVR ship.
  Campe (sounds relieved): Thank you, Captain. We'll transfer those 
  logs immediately. Nash out.
  Kabeta: Commander Scribonia, assemble an away team. This is 
  probably going to be nasty. Oh and make sure you take counselor 
  Jiapa with you.
  "Problem Child"
  Written By Amy Chused and Charles Dickson
  This episode takes place before maya and the Child-Like Wonder 
  left the Heisenberg.
  Katherine Bryant   as Captain Kabeta
  Lucy Hadden        as Commander Scribonia the Illegible
  Ethan Gershon      as Lt. JG G' O' Forever
  Jessica Polito     as Lt. maya
  Josh Brandon       as Lt. Cdr. yaz-pistashio
  Amy Chused         as Counselor Jiapa
  Michael Kleber     as Speaker For The Dead
  Natasha Bergson   as Ananda
  Kevin Wald         as Ensign Metag
  Tom Donaghey       as Lt. Cdr. Q. Torvald McDonagh
  Charles Dickson    as Ensign Mreen
  Angela Winner      as Lt. Thokk the Dismemberer
  Ruth Hertzman      as Dr Hertzman
  Will Brockman      as Lt. Guillaume de Fontaine
  Carole Stoops      as Lt. Carole Stoops
  Kendra Willson     as Lt. JG Kendragon, Ship's Gerbil
  Joanne Handwerger  as Polgara, Sorceress
  Sam Nelson         as The Child-Like Wonder
  Michael Hutchings  as Lt. JG Michael Hutchings, Insecurity 
  Guest Starring:
  Johnny Depp        as Bloocheez Lite
  Vygis Campe        as Commander Campe
  herself            as Ensign Topaz
  Ed Begley, Jr.     as Bloocheez
  also starring:
  Ensign Redshirt         as himself
  Ensign CrimsonTunic     as himself
  Transporter Operator    as himself
  Desktop Commander       as himself
  Not Appearing, but a favorite character: Jez the Wonder Kitty
  Music by Kraftwerk
  Filmed on Super-8 home movie stock.

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