Stray Thoughts That Stuck in Andy's Brain in 1998

If I could ban one phrase from conversational usage, it would be "Do you already have one?" immediately following the opening of a gift.
Few things in this world are as humbling as being unable to easily open a package of something which is labeled "EASY OPEN."
I think the real moral of the Dickens classic "A Christmas Carol" is not so much about Christmas itself, but about the importance of being able to change your mind and even your way of life, no matter how old you are.
Although I hate the telephone, I'll be tempted to get a cel phone if they ever make one that works like a speakerphone and has a gold metal flip-top (particularly if it makes the proper clicking-chirp noise when you open the lid)
Another holiday classic, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", shows us the stupidity and tyranny of prohibition. When the Bergermeister Meister Berger outlaws toys, Santa becomes a criminal. He disobeys the unjust laws, distributing toys despite the threat of imprisonment, eventually being forced to flee to the North Pole as a result.
Wow! They're actually building a space station! Of course, President Reagan's "within a decade" deadline came and went ages ago, but hey, better late than never!
"I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution." -- Comedian Bill Hicks
Prohibition-oriented advertising routinely ignores two truisms: 1) There's no such thing as bad publicity, and 2) Forbidden fruit is the tastiest. So... if kids don't take the new anti-smoking ads seriously, aren't they really just cigarette ads?
"I believe very strongly in people's rights to live in neighborhoods free of drugs." -- Sheriff Robert R. Schlicher, after his deputies shot an Ohio man 8 times, killing him in his own home during a marijuana raid in October '98
You know they're desperate when our "leaders" attempt to obstruct democracy by suppressing election results. When is the government going to release the vote count on Washington DC's Initiative 59?
I don't care what the calendar sez... to me, it's officially winter when there's nothing left to fall.
"Let's say I committed this crime. Even if I did do this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?" -- O.J. Simpson, Esquire magazine, Feb '98
"Triumph of the Nerds" describes late 70's home computer hobbyists as "guys with big beards who thought a good use for their computer was controlling a model train set."
"The Bringers of Pain and Delight" (how the surface dwelling men describe the underground-city dwelling women who steal Spock's Brain in what is widely regarded as the worst episode of Classic Trek)
E-tailers (noun): Electronic Retailers. (Hey, that's us!)
In Star Trek's classic gangster planet episode, rival world leaders live within a short drive's distance of each other. It's like there's only one city on the entire planet.
I hate phone rate adverts even more than I hate the phone itself. I'm disgusted by the amount of money being spent on this irritating, ubiquitous squabbling. I wonder, for example: how much did it take to make George Carlin sell out? Annual form letters included with Xmas cards are the social equivalent of the Press Release.
"I can stay till it's time to go" - The Beatles, (Hello, Goodbye)
According to Captain Kirk, Zefrem Cochrane (inventor of warp drive) is from Alpha Centauri, not Earth! (This basically destroys the premise of Star Trek: First Contact.)
Half-watch (verb): to monitor a movie or TV show with less than full attention; to watch without really watching; to treat the TV as a radio, droning away in the background.
"If I could change one thing, it would be to grow new teeth at, say, age 50." - Kristin's Aunt
This new Macaroni & Cheese product from Kraft, called Easy Mac, is great! It's a reasonable replacement for the long gone Mug-o-Lunch. "Then there is this most troubling sign indicating drug use: Excessive preoccupation with social causes, race relations, environmental issues, etc." -- How Parents Can Help Children Live Marijuana Free, page 28.
He may be bad but
Slobodan Milosevic
has a cool name.
One luxury amenity that I'll never understand is the Bathroom Attendant. I'm supposed to tip this guy for hanging around watching me use the toilet?
Slogan FedEx should use: "FexEd: The next best thing to teleportation" It is distinctly frustrating to be among a huge crowd of people who are openly smoking pot, and not doing so yourself.
"Basically, it killed my ambition." -- Bette Midler, on having children Polar opposites: Phantom of the Paradise and That Thing You Do!
What effect, if any, would a "Congressional censure of the President" actually have? Would it really be anything more than an official slap on the wrist? What's the point of that? If money were no object, what would you feed your pets?
What's the difference, really, between a Butterfinger and a Fifth Avenue? (UPDATE: Eeyore has an answer!) Why was the "Hey Bulldog" sequence cut from the film Yellow Submarine? It's great!
Great enactment of one of my daydreams in the "Suits are Picking up the Bill" video by the Squirrel Nut Zippers: Going into a restaurant, skipping dinner, and just ordering round after round from the dessert menu. (And with milk in the champagne flute!) Did I misread that or is there really a weather guy on CNN named Flip Spiceland? (As a guy with a funny name it's my birthright to laugh at others with funny names.)

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